


We Only See Each other At Weddings And Funerals (and we still aren't sure which one this is)

by CombatBootsandDreams



Series: Glow in the dark [4]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fire, Group chat, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Monster Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Monster Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, No beta we kayak like Tim, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is really dumb, Weddings, naomi herne is pretty great
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26568412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CombatBootsandDreams/pseuds/CombatBootsandDreams
Summary: Or an avatar group chat fic at one of Elias and Peter's weddings. They burn things, save people, and drive poorly named vans.Or: This is why Elias and Peter shouldn't invite the other avatars to their wedding. Even if it's for alibi reasons.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Naomi Herne/Evan Lukas
Series: Glow in the dark [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924183
Comments: 4
Kudos: 161





	We Only See Each other At Weddings And Funerals (and we still aren't sure which one this is)

**Author's Note:**

> Group Chat Names  
> Death & Taxes: Oliver Banks  
> Book Goth: Gerard Keay  
> Freefalling: Mike Crew  
> Statement Begins: Jon Sims  
> Flower Power: Daisy  
> Plastic, circus, nonsense: Nikola   
> Spider: Annabelle Cane

Group Chat of Unavoidable Chaos

Death & Taxes: Daisy you have the car, right?

Flower Power: Of course, there’s no way I’m leaving you guys to find your own ways to the Lukas mansion. We have the Spooky Van for a reason. 

Statement Begins: I really wish you’d stop calling it that.

Flower Power: What else would we call it?

Statement Begins: …Fair

Flower Power: I’ve just picked up Jude, Crew lives a block away so it’s Jon and Gerry then you.

Death & Taxes: I’ll be ready

Plastic, Circus, Nonsense: You better be

Flower Power: Does anyone know why we all got invited to this wedding and not any of the other ones? Speaking of which what wedding are they on?

Statement Begins: Wedding 4, I think it’s a trap

Lit: No shit Sherlock, but why.

Statement Begins: I actually don’t, wait. Naomi Herne and Evan Lukas are going to be there.

Book Goth: Evan Lukas is the human Lukas, right?

Statement Begins: Correct.

Freefalling: Aren’t you in the same room? Why are you both on the group chat?

Book Goth: idk.

Flower Power: Okay we’re at your apartment

Book Goth: Cool, we’ll be out in a minute.

Death & Taxes: The Lukas’s are going to try to kill Evan Lukas, right?

Statement Begins: And use us as witnesses to say they didn’t kill them because oh there are no bodies and look at all these unrelated people there we couldn’t cleanly pull of the murder of two people. Yes.

Nikola: Of course silly

Plastic circus nonsense: If he’s lucky

Book Goth: Are we going to do anything about it?

Lit: No

Freefalling: I mean we should

Plastic circus nonsense: Should we?

Statement Begins: Is it a good idea to mess with the Lukas’s at their house? No.

Book Goth: When has something being a bad idea ever stopped you?

Statement Begins: … Fair

Statement Begins: I mean it would also really piss off Elias and the Lukas’s which I think everyone in this chat would be amused by.

Lit: … Point

Death & Taxes: It’s not as if Evan’s unaware of what’s happening just drag him and his girlfriend over to where we are.

Freefalling: Someone’s going to have to explain what the hell’s happening to Naomi aren’t they?

Death & Taxes: Not it

Book Goth: Not it

Freefalling: Not it

Plastic Circus Nonsense: Not it

Lit: Not it

Statement Begins: Not—Daisy’s driving if I make her do it she’d eat me wouldn’t she?

Book Goth: Of definitely

Death & Taxes: Was there any doubt?

Statement Begins: Fuck, someone owes me a live statement after this mess.

Freefalling: Deal

Spider: Now that, that’s been settled, how did you guys get forced into attending this wedding. He threatened to shut down my latest project.

Death & Taxes: Credible threats to the bookstore

Freefalling: I lost a bet, Simon got the invite but didn’t want to go and I drew short stick for someone representing The Vast.

Lit: I like my apartment and last time I didn’t come to one of these events I no longer had an apartment.

Book Goth: He got you evicted?

Lit: No, he destroyed the apartment building

Lit: Demolished it.

Freefalling: Damn

Lit: It wasn’t too bad, I destroyed his penthouse, twice.

Plastic Circus Nonsense: Gold

Statement Begins: You’re made plastic Nik, why would you need gold?

Plastic Circus Nonsense: Helen and I are running an experiment for the anglerfish. If gold attracts more people she get’s to design another exhibit in my circus.

Statement Begins: He gave some not so subtle threats about the health of my archival assistants should I decline the invite. I believe he gave Daisy a similar… ultimatum. 

Book Goth: Same as Oliver, besides I’ve always wanted to wreak a wedding.

Statement Begins: You think because it’s at their house we can wreak that too?

Book Goth: You know for being the Archivist that wasn’t a very smart question

Flower Power: Okay Lads, we have made it to the hell house.

Statement Begins: Let the madness begin

Flower Power: Targets acquired

Statement Begins: Jesus Daisy, you’re bringing them to our table not murdering them

Flower Power: No, we’re saving them

Flower Power: I’m just having fun

Book Goth: Head’s up one of our grooms are trying intercept

Statement Begins: Did you just growl at Peter Lukas?

Flower Power: Yes?

Lit: Do you see Herne’s face right now? She thinks this is a normal wedding with family her boyfriend doesn’t like and then a woman in a suit looking like she belongs at a funeral comes up and drags her and her boyfriend away from what looks to be an awkward conversation and then growls at one of the grooms as he approaches.

Flower Power: Yeah, I’m a legend what of it?

Statement Begins: If this goes well I’m going to be complained to about how it was a wedding not a funeral and the fact that we all dressed like it was is “inappropriate” and “unsuitable” because my boss is the groom but also the worst.

Book Goth: Maybe we shouldn’t explain to them that we’re staging a jail break out loud.

Flower Power: No problem

Alice has created a new chat  
Name: Emergency Chat   
Alice has added Oliver Banks, Gerard Keay, Mike Crew, Jon Sims, Nikola, Jude Perry, Naomi Herne, and Evan Lukas.   
Alice has changed her name to Daisy

Naomi Herne: What the hell is going on?

Jon Sims: Well Lukas? You brought her into this, you want to explain this?

Evan Lukas: Fuck no

Jon Sims: Fair

Daisy: Looks like you don’t get out of explaining this.

Jon Sims: Technically you should be explaining this, but fine. The Lukas’s are in what you could call a cult, well one section of a cult. They also want to kill Evan for not joining said cult.

Gerard Keay: I mean I guess that works.

Daisy: I think you left out the FEAR GODS but sure.

Jon Sims: Well Daisy how would you explain it?

Daisy: You are not getting me to explain this for you. Good try though.

Naomi Herne: What the fuck

Evan Lukas: You lot aren’t like them are you.

Jon Sims: We belong to the… other cult sections, so sort of.

Naomi Herne: Evan you knew about this? You knew about this and still came? You knew about this and still brought me?

Evan Lukas: Threats to your life. Thought they wouldn’t try anything if I brought you with me

Jude Perry: Well that was stupid.

Evan Lukas: Yeah, I think I’m figuring that out, thanks.

Statement Begins: Look we’re here to… save you.

Naomi Herne: Why would you do that? If your part of the other cults?

Daisy: She’s smarter than you Lukas

Mike Crew: It would make the grooms mad we kind of hate them.

Jon Sims: There’s no kind of about it. We definitely hate them.

Naomi Herne: So not because we need help, because it would make someone else mad.

Mike Crew: Look we’re not good people. We’re not even people, but we could be worse, and leaving anyone in the claws of a Lukas is mean, even for us.

Jude Perry: You threw a person off their roof last month.

Mike Crew: They survived

Gerard Keay: You kept them floating there for half an hour

Mike Crew: How do you know that?

Statement Begins: He gave a statement

Mike Crew: Anyways we are here to help you.

Naomi Herne: Thank you

Evan Lukas: So you're all from different entities? I thought they didn’t get along well.

Oliver Banks: We aren’t our entities, besides a member of Beholding and the Lonely are getting married so that proves that theory null and void.

Daisy: So who’s ready for a jailbreak! Jude?

Jude Perry: My pleasure.

Group Chat of Unavoidable Chaos

Death & Taxes: Tell me I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing

Book Goth: Half of the Lukas Manor on fire, yes.

Flower Power: They can put it out.

Freefalling: You think they’ll notice that we’re leaving early with the fire.

Statement Begins: Oh definitely but the vows have been said so I think it’s okay to leave. Jude and Gerry also burned down half the manor.

Flower Power: Naomi and Evan’s car is hooked up to the Spooky Van. We are ready to go. Is everyone in the car?

Death & Taxes: here

Book Goth: Here

Freefalling: In van

Statement Begins: Present

Lit: Present, really Jon? What are you in school?

Statement Begins: Well Jude’s here.

Plastic Circus nonsense: Heeeeeeeeere

Flower Power: Evan and Naomi are in the car.

Statement Begins: Everyone is present and accounted for Daisy

Flower Power: Let’s go

Emergency Chat:

Evan Lukas: I just wanted to say thank you for saving our lives.

Jon Sims: I would say no problem but I’m going to get lectured tomorrow for sure.

Evan Lukas: Well thank you anyways I know it would have been easier to just let them kill us. Despite what you said about just doing it to piss off Peter and Elias.

Gerard Keay: You did a lot to not become part of the lonely. We can honor that decision by letting your final act be to die in it.

Naomi Herne: Drinks? We’ll pay first round in thanks.

Jon Sims: I mean listening to Elias rant at me while hungover won’t be too much worse.

Gerard Keay: Who the hell has a Sunday wedding anyways?

Daisy: Drinks to the newlyweds

Jude Perry: Let’s bet on how long it takes for them to want another divorce

Nikola: Can I pay my bet in gold?

Mike Crew: Sure, Nik, sure.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, please leave a comment or a Kudo if you feel up to it but no pressure. If you have any ideas feel free to share. This was the dumb story I need to push out of my brain before I try to write something angsty. Though I could end up writing another attempt at a fluff piece who knows.


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